This is a story about history repeating itself...
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. I am incredibly fortunate to have created a repository of my thoughts, feelings and my general state of mind, which allows me to compare and contrast my present situation with prior moments from my recent past.
I offer up a quote from exactly two years ago:
"It is unhealthy and unnatural that I work in the same place, doing the same thing, and working a job that moves at snail's pace. I just don't have the social life and hobbies at the moment to get any balance, let alone the financial means to travel, socialise and pursue pastimes with the usual gusto that I apply to everything"
What I was writing about two years ago is scarily similar to my present situation. I was dealing with the same problems in the same way. My suffering was alarmingly similar to my current agony. My problems seem to be nearly identical.
I have the advantage of knowing what happened next. The project I had been working on ended prematurely and I found myself out of a job. I decided that I was so sick of being depressed and miserable that I would start taking antidepressants. I met the love of my life and took my eye off the ball. I decided not to get another job and just to relax and spend my hard-earned cash, writing a novel in one of the most expensive cities in the world.
So. I need to do things differently.
This year I have semi-secure employment which is supposed to last until at least next summer. This year my expenses are a tiny fraction of what they were in London. This year I've freed myself from lazy layabout Klingon rip-off merchants profiting from my hard work and ingenuity; defrauding me and picking my pocket. This year I've been looking after my skills and experience and I'm highly employable and confident in my own abilities. This year there's much less financial pressure on me.
This year I know what's coming next.
I can see that the misery of the preceding 10 consecutive months without a holiday has burnt me out and made me desperate for some well-earned rest and relaxation. I can see that I've been suffering with persistent depression, driven by my toxic work and home life, and that I'm desperate to feel happier. I can see all the same temptations and pitfalls of the past threaten to destroy me again.
Drink. Drugs. Excessive money spending. Excessive risk taking. Abandoning responsibilities. Getting into debt. Having fun. Enjoying myself. Feeling alive. Relaxing. Being myself.
You have no idea what it's like to be me, unless you've compromised on your identity, values, needs, emotions and everything else that allows your life to be liveable, for years and years on end, chained to a full-time career because it pays the fucking bills. You have no idea how awful it is to have worked really hard and then to have everything stolen from you by a bunch of exploitative cunts; to see the vultures make off with your life savings; to see others profit from your hard work and suffering. You have no idea how hard it is to suffer such a catastrophic loss of status, because somebody's picked your pocket and left you with nothing.
I know the route to wealth, because it's a well-trodden path for me, but having to make the same sacrifices and go through the agony of rebuilding myself from nothing all over again is actually harder the subsequent times, because it gets boring and repetitive. I know exactly what I've got to do, so all I'm doing is waiting for the cash to land in my bank account. All that waiting is agonising, and it's made extra painful knowing that other people are off having fun with my fucking money.
I'm a very responsible person.
I've gotten deep in the shit, but I'm digging my way out rather than just throwing my hands in the air and saying "I give up". Seriously I can't over-emphasise this enough: I'm doing things the hard way.
I've seen some pathetic little shits darken my door. Some total bottom-feeding scumbag mummy's boys have entered and then left my life. They've run up huge debts and then run away. They've had huge cash handouts from their families. They've had huge cash handouts from the government. They've begged, borrowed and stolen every penny they can lie and weasel to get their hands on, then they've abandoned all responsibility towards their victims - like me - without a shred of conscience. Those filthy maggots are the lowest of the low.
I was vulnerable and I got taken advantage of.
Now I'm hopefully finally getting towards a position that I should have been two years ago, but I was robbed. I'm hopefully getting towards the position I should have been four years ago, but I was robbed.
That I was robbed is arguably my own fault, because I was too trusting. My mental health was messed up and I had periods where I was in trouble with drug addiction, but that doesn't mean it's OK to come and pick my pocket. Just because I was sick and weak, doesn't make it OK to screw me over.
I'm unlikely to ever be able to recover all the tens of thousands of pounds I'm owed by those scumbag mummies boys who are on the run from all their many creditors. There was a grossly unfair settlement with my ex-wife, simply because I was weak, sick and desperate to have a clean break - which she did not give me at all. Bitterness and regret will hold me back and prevent me from fulfilling my potential. Unfortunately, I need to allow those fucking criminals to get away with their crimes, because to pursue them would bring only a Pyrrhic victory, although I have been sorely tempted to make them pay dearly at my own expense.
Writing this, I realise how bitter and resentful I am that I got fucked in the ass. I almost regret being kind and generous and trusting and attempting to live life by some genuinely admirable values... then I realise that at least I know just exactly how much blood those parasitic leeches sucked from me, so I can take some comfort from knowing that I'm one of life's givers - I create wealth rather than robbing it from others.
I have mixed feelings.
I've stirred up quite a lot of anger in myself.
I've had a difficult time and I've made choices which have been the right thing to do but have cost me very dearly. Of course I'd have rather been a leech, bumming around and getting a free ride like so many have done at my expense. I feel cheated out of MY opportunity to sit around reading books, creating art and generally being a fucking waste of cunting space, because I've been the one doing the thing which actually makes money. When's it going to be MY time to bum around doing whatever the fuck I want, while somebody else picks up the bill?
It occurs to me that there's a strange circularity to things which I need to explore in subsequent blog posts. A wealthy civil servant worked very hard his whole career and gifted vast sums of money to his daughter, who then invested in me, so that I could become a wealthy civil servant myself. It seems only right and proper that I should ensure that there's a full return on investment, because I want to live in a world where hard work brings just rewards and taking a risk - investing in somebody - should also be handsomely rewarded. To end this motherfucking nightmarish never-ending cycle, I need to close the circle. I need to be one of the few fucking responsible hard-working people who honours their commitments and moral obligations. I can't join the ranks of the mummy's boys who think it's OK to bum around, living a lavish lifestyle and enjoying leisure time and education through unearned wealth, debt and other monies which will never be repaid.
My life sucks a lot but hopefully it's taught me to never suffer fools gladly ever again.
Bitter and twisted, but remarkably - and frustratingly - close to making a long-overdue breakthrough.